Okay - so my first impression here is that you've got a 'set-piece' as opposed to a story - this feels like a moment from some bigger story, because so much of what you tell us about this world (the society that hates witches etc, the relationship between the two witches and so on) is 'not' in your story available to audiences, but in your head. You know more about your story than the audience does and this is a common problem: in a two minute short, everything the audience needs to know in order to understand and feel and care must be on screen and shown to them.
Just to be clear too: there is no relationship in story terms between the museum and the battery; the museum is a shell in which you place your action, and the enemies have 'battery weapons' - whatever they might be. If you really look at your story you should see that none of these things are playing a proactive or synthesised role in your story; you can check this because if you were to set this story on board a cruise ship with the enemies carrying 'catapults' nothing about your plot would change in the slightest. This means you're 'not' using your prompts in any real of meaningful way...
So - witches are good choice because your audience understands what witches are really quickly: they bring a bunch of ready-made associations. I think the idea that witches are persecuted is also useful because it means you have a 'ready-made' enemy - the 'witch-hunter' - this gives you character vs character really fast; if you think about Tom & Jerry or Spy vs Spy, there's a tradition of stories in which one character keeps out-witting another one... In terms of batteries, you've got an opportunity here to create a goal or an obstacle: for example, a witch's broom runs out of battery/charge meaning she can't achieve x or y; two witches are in a race to get their hands on a power source that will create x or y, which kicks off your story. It might be that the 'power source' is housed in the museum (a place we associate with artefacts and treasures) - so here, you will see how the 'battery' and 'the museum' are completely interrelated as concepts - they need each other to make sense - and this is what your own story idea is missing. You've got an elaborate backstory that the audience cannot 'see' or 'learn', you've got a location that ultimately 'doesn't matter' and you're not using the battery prompt to drive or shape or transform anything.
I think there are better, more satisfying resolutions of your three prompts and I encourage you to roll up your sleeves and have another go - let's see some more quick ideas on here and we'll sort it together asap!
OGR 23/01/2019
ReplyDeleteHi Sandy,
Okay - so my first impression here is that you've got a 'set-piece' as opposed to a story - this feels like a moment from some bigger story, because so much of what you tell us about this world (the society that hates witches etc, the relationship between the two witches and so on) is 'not' in your story available to audiences, but in your head. You know more about your story than the audience does and this is a common problem: in a two minute short, everything the audience needs to know in order to understand and feel and care must be on screen and shown to them.
Just to be clear too: there is no relationship in story terms between the museum and the battery; the museum is a shell in which you place your action, and the enemies have 'battery weapons' - whatever they might be. If you really look at your story you should see that none of these things are playing a proactive or synthesised role in your story; you can check this because if you were to set this story on board a cruise ship with the enemies carrying 'catapults' nothing about your plot would change in the slightest. This means you're 'not' using your prompts in any real of meaningful way...
So - witches are good choice because your audience understands what witches are really quickly: they bring a bunch of ready-made associations. I think the idea that witches are persecuted is also useful because it means you have a 'ready-made' enemy - the 'witch-hunter' - this gives you character vs character really fast; if you think about Tom & Jerry or Spy vs Spy, there's a tradition of stories in which one character keeps out-witting another one... In terms of batteries, you've got an opportunity here to create a goal or an obstacle: for example, a witch's broom runs out of battery/charge meaning she can't achieve x or y; two witches are in a race to get their hands on a power source that will create x or y, which kicks off your story. It might be that the 'power source' is housed in the museum (a place we associate with artefacts and treasures) - so here, you will see how the 'battery' and 'the museum' are completely interrelated as concepts - they need each other to make sense - and this is what your own story idea is missing. You've got an elaborate backstory that the audience cannot 'see' or 'learn', you've got a location that ultimately 'doesn't matter' and you're not using the battery prompt to drive or shape or transform anything.
I think there are better, more satisfying resolutions of your three prompts and I encourage you to roll up your sleeves and have another go - let's see some more quick ideas on here and we'll sort it together asap!